JUDY AND I JUST FINISHED READING Give them Grace a book on parenting by our fellow
laborers in the gospel, Elyse Fitzpatrick and her grown daughter, Jessica
Thompson.
The book has several strengths. It emphasizes
the centrality of the gospel in parenting, a principle upon which we could not
agree more. Second, it emphasizes the importance of Grace. Don't give them law:
give them grace (first chapter). Your goal is not obedient children that make
you look good. Don't teach your children that God loves the good little boys
and girls (second chapter). You can't save you children. You can't give them
new birth, and that is what they need (third chapter). Our children reject God
two ways, by active rebellion and by self-righteousness (fourth chapter).
We loved the grace emphasis
in this book. However, the book also raised some concerns. First, two
Christian moms/wives are the authors. That by itself is not a problem. The
problem is that the role of husband/father is not addressed. In light of the
fact that the Bible addresses all of its parenting commands to fathers,
and we live in anti-patriarchal age, this causes concern. We think a chapter at
the beginning about moms honoring, following, and working with their husband
would have been immensely helpful. Without this material this book might
inadvertently encourage a mother's autonomy from her husband, and/or conversely male passivity.
Second, this book's wonderful
emphasis on grace is also its weakness. God is a Father. That means he is a
parent. The authors correctly encourage the reader to model their parenting on
their knowledge of how God parents us. However, in places their understanding
of God seemed simplistic and outside the entire corpus of biblical teaching
about the Father's grace and how it works. For example, chapter six contains a
section entitled "Donkeys, Carrots, and Sticks." There the author
indicates that we should not motivate with fear (stick) or reward (carrot)
because God does not motivate us that way. He motivates us with gratitude for
the grace received by the gospel. Although God does motivate us with gratitude,
in our view this rejection of other motives is overly simplistic.
Reward is a significant gospel motivator.
God will judge us on the basis of the works that our faith produces, and he
will reward us accordingly (Phil 3:13-14, 1 Cor 9:24-25, Rev. 2:10, etc.). In
addition, fear is a significant gospel motivator (2 Cor 7:1, 5:11, Phil
2:12-13). For example, Paul, the architect of justification by faith alone, never presumed upon
God's grace. Rather, he feared lest
he run his race in vain (Phil 3:12-16). He examined his conscience to see if he
was in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5-7). Parents who motivate their children by
gratitude alone might promote this kind of motivational reduction. They might even encourage their children to presume upon God's grace. We do not want that.
If God motivates us with reward, fear, and
warnings to not presume upon his grace, we should do likewise. However, as the
authors correctly caution, we should do this without ever stating or implying
that our children can merit God's acceptance with their works.
Last, Appendix Two contained instructions
to parents on different ways to correct a believing or unbelieving child. We
did not find this helpful. Unless the child has specifically told you that they are
not a Christian (very unlikely) we feel that you should treat them as if they
are all Christians. Parents are not omniscient. They do not know what God is or
is not doing in their child's soul. Therefore, it is best to merely follow the
apostolic instruction. Raise your children "in the discipline and instruction
of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). Leave the guesswork about their conversion to
God.
In summary, we need to "Give Them
Grace" but it needs to be the full-orbed, nuanced grace that is in
the Bible, and dads need to be at the center of its administration. If these
principles are kept in mind this book can be helpful.
Labels: Book Reviews, parenting